


Drowning

by zaffrin



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, Episode Spoilers, F/F, Yaz is sad, a lot of feelings, and they're a mess, post ROTD, revolution of the daleks, the doctor is sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-06
Updated: 2021-01-06
Packaged: 2021-03-17 05:06:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,415
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28594443
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zaffrin/pseuds/zaffrin
Summary: “It’s okay to be sad, you know.”Yaz’s words echo in her head, rattling around on the inside of her skull, bouncing off the sides as their meaning seeps into her bones.I know,she wants to say, yell, grab her by the shoulders and shake her as she screams it in her face. She’d spent nineteen years being sad - angry, too, oh, she’d been soangry.But anger burned hot and bright and wasn’t sustainable; when it simmered down and needed time to rebuild, that's when she was just left withsad.
Relationships: Thirteenth Doctor/Yasmin Khan
Comments: 5
Kudos: 36





	Drowning

**Author's Note:**

> Set directly after ROTD. Heed the tags and warnings please, there's no malicious intent but this fic still contains non-con (and a lot of angst). Basically it's gonna hurt...

“It’s okay to be sad, you know.”

Yaz’s words echo in her head, rattling around on the inside of her skull, bouncing off the sides as their meaning seeps into her bones.

_ I know,  _ she wants to say, yell, grab her by the shoulders and shake her as she screams it in her face. She’d spent nineteen years being sad - angry, too, oh, she’d been so  _ angry.  _ But anger burned hot and bright and wasn’t sustainable; when it simmered down and needed time to rebuild, that's when she was just left with  _ sad.  _

She didn’t know who she was. Her planet was dead. Her home (that was never really her home) gone, the last of her race (who was never really  _ her _ race) dead. Her friends - her  _ fam,  _ lightyears away, those three wonderful people she’d come to adore so much unreachable… lost just like everyone she’d ever loved. 

The Doctor was all too well acquainted with sad.

She doesn’t say any of that. Some part of her wants to just blurt it all out, but…  _ she can’t.  _ She catches Yaz’s eyes briefly, spins on her heel and steps back over to the console.

“Two hearts remember,” she says to her, repeating her words to Ryan. “One for sad. One -“

“No!”

She cuts off in surprise at Yaz’s snap, the word almost shouted, echoing round the console room as she stares at her wide-eyed. She’s frowning, her dark eyes shining with unshed tears and anger alike. 

The Doctor takes a breath and licks her lips nervously. “Yaz -“ she begins.

“Do you even understand? What you did to us? You… you think you can just go back, rewrite time like it’s  _ nothing -  _ like all these months don’t matter, all the pain -“ Yaz cuts herself off and looks away, brushing a tear from her cheek. Both of the Doctor’s hearts ache, and she takes a tentative step towards Yaz. The girl fixes her with a piercing gaze. “Doesn’t that matter to you?”

Her stomach dropping a bit, she flails to explain. “Of course it does!  _ You _ do - if you had any idea how many times I’ve thought about you while I was locked away -”

“Was it every second?” Yaz interrupts, and her gaze is accusing now. “Because it was for me.”

She’d been going to tell her how long she’d been gone - how long it was for  _ her _ . How many years she’d spent, trapped in a cage, alone and a million lightyears away from them… but to do so now would seem like she’s undermining Yaz’s feelings, and the pain she’d clearly been going through. She swallows, and tries instead to find something to say to make it right. 

“I’ll make it up to you,” she whispers desperately. “I promise.”

Yaz snorts, sniffing. “How?”

“I’ll take you somewhere! Anywhere you want - anywhere in the whole universe! Anywhere, any time...” It’s all she has to offer, isn’t it? All she ever has to offer them - but Yaz is scoffing and shaking her head. 

“You don’t get it, do you?”

The Doctor blinks at her. “I…”

“I loved you,” Yaz says, and she’s crying. “I  _ love  _ you… you knew that right? You must have known that…”

“Yaz, I -“

“Nearly a year of my life  _ wasted  _ just… just looking for you, waiting for you to come back…”

The Doctor swallows hard. She turns from Yaz’s dark gaze, busying herself by moving over to the steps and sitting down on one of them. “I’m sorry,” she whispers. “I’m sorry Yaz…” she takes another breath, licks her lips. “I could still go back,” she utters tentatively, “change it -“ it’s a foolish idea that will never work, not with everything they’ve done since - this point is twisted in the stream of time now and to unpick it would cause a paradox. Yaz knows it too, shaking her head as she squeezes her eyes shut.

“If only it were that simple,” she says.

The Doctor doesn’t have a response for that. 

She loves them all too - and she wants to tell Yaz that, but…

She’s bad with emotions and feelings this time around, particularly human ones, but she’s fairly certain that the kind of love Yaz was referring to was not the same as her own. She’s seen it before - too many times. (Somewhere, deep down inside she probably  _ knew _ it was sprouting there inside of Yaz but she’s always been too selfish where humans are concerned to do anything to stunt its growth. It was heady, to be so utterly idolised and adored, after all… that’s why she picked them, wasn’t it?)

“I’m sorry,” the Doctor says instead. “And…” Another nervous lick of her lips. “I’m glad - that you waited for me. That you didn’t give up on me… I saw all your work in the other Tardis.”

Yaz looks away from her eyes, cheeks a bit pink. “Yeah, well sometimes I felt like I should.”

“But you didn’t. And that means…  _ so _ much to me Yaz. Just like you still being here now. If you’d left along with Graham and Ryan I -” She cuts off, not knowing how to continue as emotion chokes her voice. 

“Hey,” Yaz says, and then she’s stepping forward and sitting down on the step next to her, and her arms are around the Doctor and the Doctor’s...cheeks are wet? Oh, right. Crying. Just a bit. Been a while since she’s done that. 

“I’m not going anywhere, Doctor. I don’t think I could leave you yet even if I wanted to,” she mumbles by her neck. Tentatively, the Doctor lets her own hands go to Yaz’s back. “Yet?” She whispers. Yaz doesn’t answer. 

Instead, she squeezes her tighter, and the Doctor is just preparing to carefully extract herself from her arms, when Yaz lifts her head from her neck, looks her in the eyes and lurches forward, clumsily pressing her lips to the Doctor’s own. 

It takes her brain a moment to catch up as she’s frozen against her, eyes wide open as soft lips press to her own and -  _ oh _ . Kissing. It’s been a long time since she’s done  _ that _ too - and had it always felt like this?

Her head spins a bit and her hearts beat fast in her chest and she’s just trying to figure out whether it’s a good kind of pent up feeling or bad, when Yaz inhales deeply through her nose and then her fingers are clasping tight in the Doctor’s hair and she’s scrambling forwards, swinging a leg over hers to straddle her lap. Her tongue pushes between the Doctor’s lips and the step behind her presses into the middle of her back and all of this feels… disorientating. 

This body isn’t good with  _ touch,  _ it makes her want to recoil and stumble backwards - any kind. She’d just been starting to open herself up to it - it had felt so  _ good _ to hold her friends tightly to her after so long alone, but  _ this… _

Yaz’s body feels heavy on top of hers and her fingers are invasive and unwelcome when she shoves them down inside the Doctor’s pants. Her instinct is to squirm away - but Yaz gives a choked sob against her neck, and the Doctor squeezes her eyes shut and stays still beneath her, her hearts aching at having caused Yaz so much pain. 

She had promised to make it up to her. If this is what Yaz wants then… she owes that to her. She owes  _ so much _ to her. 

Yaz’s dark hair smells nice but it’s getting in her mouth, and the zip on the front of Yaz’s coat digs into her chest when Yaz presses her own to it, and the fingers between her legs are clumsy and rough. She hadn’t done much of exploring  _ that  _ aspect of her new body - despite the fact that she’d been in it a good while now - and the touch there is foreign and suffocating, even though she can feel her body reacting positively to it. 

She turns her head when Yaz goes for her mouth again, her own fingers flexing where she grips the step either side of her, knuckles white.

“I thought you were gone,” Yaz is whispering against her neck, and her face is damp as two slim fingers wriggle their way inside of her. “Thought I’d never see you again…”

“Yaz,” she says, breathless, “Wait -”

“Do you have any idea what that did to me?”

She doesn’t know if it’s intentional, but Yaz  _ twists _ a bit with her fingers as she says those words, pressing them deeper, and the Doctor gasps at the flash of pain through her pelvis, squeezing her eyes shut. 

She’s fucking her now, deep and hard and careless with two fingers pistoning repeatedly into her, knuckle of her thumb knocking against her clit, and it’s too rough and clumsy for her to derive any pleasure from - not that the Doctor thinks she’d be able to find any in this uncomfortable moment of hot breath and a body pressed to her own and sticky cold sweat on the back of her neck. 

“Fuck… I’ve wanted you for so long,” Yaz is mumbling, and her teeth scrape over the Doctor’s collarbone, free hand pulling aside her coat and shirt, tongue hot as it laps wetly over her skin, “Tell me you want me too -  _ please _ … tell me you’ve wanted this…”

“I… Yaz…”

Yaz is grabbing her hand, desperately pressing it between her legs where they’re spread wide either side of the Doctor’s thighs, unbuttoning her jeans to shove her fingers down the front of them.  _ This _ , at least, the Doctor knows how to do, the motion familiar enough (though it had been a while) for her to be able to move her fingers automatically, seeking out Yaz’s clit with the pad of her middle finger and circling, coaxing until she’s rocking her hips against her hand and whimpering. Perhaps if she just makes her come she can detangle them and… try and get her scattered thoughts in order at least - but Yaz has other ideas. 

Her hands are nimble and quick as she yanks open the Doctor’s trousers, and then she’s standing and pulling her up off the step, pushing her coat from her shoulders and laying it out on the floor to nudge her down onto it…

She goes - because what else can she do? Yaz is still crying… beautiful, wonderful Yaz, who’d spent every waking minute of the last ten months of her life trying to get back to her… she can’t reject her now. She just  _ can’t _ . 

Her hair falls around the Doctor’s face in a curtain of darkness as Yaz leans down with a pink nose and swollen lips and shining eyes to brace herself over her on her hands. She’d lost her trousers at some point - they were bunched up down by her feet, caught round her boots, and that makes her feel even more trapped, as Yaz pushes a knee between her legs, and  _ grinds _ her hips down hard against her. 

It’s all different. If she’d still been a man, perhaps she would not have felt so… disorientated, like she is flailing; a fish hauled out of water and thrown into the air. It’s almost a relief when Yaz slides down her body, because she no longer has to look into those piercing dark eyes that accuse her of so many wrongs, but then small fingers are curling in her underwear, and the material is sliding down, and something like panic rises up in the Doctor’s chest so suddenly she thinks for a moment that she can’t breathe. 

Yaz’s mouth is hot and wet, and she opens it over the Doctor like she intends to consume her. The shock of pleasure that shoots through her at the slide of her tongue is unexpected - but it serves only to render her more dizzy, a mix of sensations that are entirely unfamiliar churning together in the pit of her belly as she blinks up at the Tardis ceiling and feels like she’s spinning. 

There’s fingers inside her again - she thinks more this time - and Yaz’s hot mouth is latched onto her clit, sucking as she fucks her with her fingers hard enough to make her body move, bouncing on the floor. Her movements are clumsy, but she is unrelenting, and the firm, sucking pressure on her clit is making something icy hot start to coil and centre between the Doctor’s legs. She looks down, vision dancing, and sees dark eyes gazing up at her, utter devotion in their depths that turns the Doctor’s legs to jelly just as Yaz curls her fingers, pushes in harder and she - 

The orgasm she forces from her is fast and cold, her body going tense and stars dancing at the edges of her vision as she gasps, hands twisted in her own coat at her sides. Wetness trickles out of her, drips down to settle in a little uncomfortable wet path beneath her, and when her body stops shuddering she feels sweaty and achy and cold. 

Yaz is panting, like she is, when she clambers up over her, and her fingers are wet and sticky when she pulls them out and uses them to grip the Doctor’s bare hip. She turns her head, wiping her mouth on her shoulder before she leans in to press a kiss to the Doctor’s open mouth with shining lips. 

She can still taste herself, and it’s a sharp flavour that bursts over her tongue when Yaz’s slides against it, thick and hot inside of her mouth. The Doctor feels like she is drowning. 

The younger girl gives a sigh and rolls off her, flopping onto her back on the floor next to her. “I’ve waited…  _ so _ long to do that…”

The Doctor doesn’t reply. Her body trembles a bit as she looks up at the ceiling, eyes sweeping over the yellow glow of the pillows, unfocused gaze on the time rotor as it eases up and down into the central column.  _ Just like Yaz’s fingers had done inside of her, _ she thinks, and has to force her eyes away. 

Yaz turns her head on the floor, and nudges the Doctor with her knee. “Was it good? It’s been a while…”

There’s a hint of anxiety in Yaz’s voice, and the Doctor takes a deep breath, and shoves down the uncomfortable ache inside her. 

“Yeah,” she says emptily, as her eyes drift to the time rotor again. “It was good.”

\--


End file.
